Humans like - or perhaps do not like but have to - get together in large numbers over a meal for numerous and various reasons. I myself sometimes and more often than I wish have to - I have to spend money to dine with others, many of whom I don’t know (and some I can’t bear) - sometimes large numbers of them, but I have to do it for various reasons. I may not want to but I pull myself together, gird up my loins and trek off to some hotel or the other usually in Birmingham’s city centre to shake hands with people I don’t recognise and sit down to what usually amounts to a mediocre to middling and occasionally awful series of three plates of, er, food. I rarely enjoy it. It’s not my scene. It’s not that I can not make small talk but sometimes it’s just such an effort. And often you have no idea beforehand by whom you will be sitting.
I think of a dinner where every time I began a conversation with a chap next to me he would instantly break off to deal with another text that had landed on his mobile phone or alternatively he would see some important figure whom he thought could further his career and he would leap up, mid-conversation, and accost the esteemed figure and introduce himself.
I think of a dinner (well, more than one actually) where I was seated next to a garrulous fellow who wanted to tell me endlessly - and I mean endlessly - about the development of AI). For a while I thought he was talking about artificial insemination as opposed to artificial intelligence which did not help. Anyway I entered a sort of trancelike state and shut out his gabbling though he did not seem to notice and just ploughed on and I worried about how long this purgatory was going to last as I was keen not to leave the dog alone too long.
And the really awful thing about large dining gatherings is one sees just how awfully many people eat. Dining etiquette died a long time ago, sacrificed to casualness and hipsterity, and what we have now is a population whose eating habits stretch from the barely acceptable to the utterly revolting. I find it’s best not to look as some diners will easily put one off one’s food.
And so to the food. Diversity is much lauded in England. Well, that may well be right, but it has made organising what to eat at a banquet, a remarkably difficult task. There are very few meats one can risk serving; beef is out if there are Hindus present, pork obviously a no-no if Muslim or Jewish guests are participating in the event, leaving lamb (which may be too expensive to serve to a collection of diners who may have variable amounts of wealth) or goat, which may not appeal to traditional English diners, or, obviously, poultry. Chicken would clearly be the primary choice, turkey may be viewed as seasonal, or perhaps something a little more exotic such as Guinea fowl. Fish probably would not win many votes among the alpha males who feel they must eat meat, though normally that would be a steak but that would be impractical in a banquet. If it were to be fish, then salmon would have a very high chance of being uninteresting and dull; sea bass is all the rage but it would it would not be well received by those men who like a nice slab of meat on their plate.
Religion and cultures make the choosing of what to put on as a main course difficult enough before the challenges laid down by those who choose to be vegetarian or worse still vegan, those who have genuinely serious, life-threatening allergies, and those who do not like a particular ingredient and put it down to them being sensitive or even allergic to that ingredient. What a headache it all is for organisers and chefs.The advantage of serving a vegetarian alternative to the carnivorous main is that the vegetarian dish can be the dish on offer to those from various religious and cultural backgrounds. One rather fashionable dish is the vegetarian counter to beef Wellington - vegetable Wellington - and on balance that sounds just the right dish to serve as an alternative to meat - an extra bit of effort put in to remind the diner of a classic British dish and to enable the vegetarian not to feel neglected.
So. I was dining at the Park Regis hotel at Five Ways in the company of about eighty people What would we be served and how good would it be? The dining room is at the top of the building on the 16th floor and there is a spectacular view of the city beneath it, the large dining area was smart and modern, the tables nicely laid and the staff efficient, smartly turned out, and polite. Who could ask for anything more? Well, of course we must not forget the food. I had dined before at the Park Regis when it had set up a chaotic Indian style restaurant, the Indus, in the restaurant where, I suspected, breakfast was served in the morning. It was one of the worst dining experiences I have had in the city either before or since. Hopefully, the meal in this rather more attractive and glamorous setting would be a considerable improvement on the defunct Hindus restaurant. It could hardly have been worse.
The meal was pretty straightforward, appropriately lacking in ambition but decent enough. The word ‘middling’ comes to mind and the feeling that anything different should not have been expected. This is not a criticism of the chef or the hotel, merely a statement of what one’s expectations should be when dining simultaneously with a group of such numbers.
To start I chose pressed ham hock terrine which was splendidly bland which is also a reasonable description of the accompanying pickled shallots and ‘smooth pea mayonnaise’. There was the inevitable pea shoot garnish as we have come to expect.
The main course was served rusticly and was made up of a supreme of chicken which was very satisfactory with the chicken being well cooked, only very slightly over, though not particularly exploding with flavour. There was a joyless (though described in the menu as ‘vibrant’) stalk of uncharismatic pak choi, a vegetable which God invented on one of his off days, reasonably well cooked carrot and middling but far from the worst I’ve been served mashed potato and a chicken gravy which did nothing to enhance the dish. There was no oomph to the dish, nothing to lift it from the average. Perhaps we got what we were paying for. Some stuffing with a bit of zinginess might have helped. This dish was decent enough but delivered little pleasure.
The dessert was reasonably enjoyable - a William pear tart - the pear was soft and the pastry quite pleasant and the menu stated that it was served with a chocolate ganache (it wasn’t), a ginger crumble which I assume was the stuff on top of the tart though it was unrecognisable as having a crumble texture and the flavour of ginger I found to be undetectable. There was a pink smear across the plate and a remarkably unseasonable half strawberry.
This was a thoroughly edible meal though it brought nothing with it to excite the diner. It was certainly better than that served recently to me at a ‘banquet’ at the Hotel du Vin but these ‘banquet’ meals where large numbers are catered for are generally depressing affairs. Rule - if someone wants you to go one of these functions then find a reason to say no. Unless of course the quality of the food is of no concern to you.
Rating:- 🌛🌛.
21 November 2025.
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